Below is a rough draft of a cover letter that I am considering sending to a potential employer. I'd greatly appreciate if you could respond with some comments outlining strengths and weaknesses of the letter.
Thank you,
Dear Ms. T,
I am writing to you at the recommendation of my friend Chris Smith who had worked at your organization in the past year. Chris has recommended that I contact you regarding my interest in transitioning away from the private business sector and joining a prominent public service organization. I am currently holding a loan analyst position at a commercial lending firm in downtown Boston. However, over the course of my employment in commercial lending business, I have become determined to find an opportunity that will not just keep me busy from 9 am to 5 pm, five days a week, but will also gratify me with energetic and challenging environment and genuine emotional fulfillment. After speaking with Chris and further researching Managed Sciences for Health, I became very interested in joining your organization. I believe that at MSH I will be able to find an opportunity that will respond to my interests, as well as my long-term career and educational goal. In May of 2007, I graduated from XYZ University School of Management with the bachelor’s degree in Business Administration and the concentration in Finance. During the course of my academic work, I had an opportunity to work for a subsidiary of L*** Development Bank in Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan. My experience of working as a personal assistant to a deputy chairman at LDB has had a significant impact on discovering my interests and shaping my career goals. While working at LDB’s subsidiary in Kyrgyzstan, I had not only had an opportunity to apply my knowledge of academic coursework, but I could also experience an environment where good banking practices were at their nascent stage and the political and economic environment was unstable and largely unpredictable. While a sizeable portion of my responsibilities included preparation of financial statements and quarterly reports for shareholders, the most inspiring part of my internship was observing and participating in building of an advanced pro-Western banking system within the limits of backward and unsupportive political system, skeptical and indigent society as well as widespread discrimination and nepotism. My experience of working at LDB has clearly shown to me that (1) I am inspired by challenging and distinctive projects and assignments; (2) I am deeply driven by the idea of positive, visible and measureable change that extends into society at large; (3) I have good understanding of the challenges faced by the developing world; and (4) I am deeply passionate about applying my skills, knowledge, and aptitude for the improvement of living standards in the developing countries. Even though my previous educational and working experience lies mostly in the sphere of banking business, I would like to continue building my career in the fields of public health and educational systems improvement in the developing world. My current career goals include gaining substantial experience in policy making, development and implementation of management systems in resource-limited countries, as well as obtaining hands-on experience on personnel training. I strongly believe that my background and my determination to pursue a career in public service sector will make me a good member of your organization. I would very much welcome an opportunity to personally discuss with you full-time, part-time or internship opportunities that might be currently available at your organization. Please feel free to call me at 617-555-5555 or e-mail me at sjohnes@anymail.com.
Thank you very much in advance for your time and consideration.
Generally you would like to keep any written communication with the prospective employers as consise as possible. Most of the employers nowdays receive a siginificantly higher number of resumes that they cannot address. The most to the point you correspondence is the better.
Regarding your cover letter. In my opinion is too long. I understand that it is still within one page, but you want to make sure that you include only the items you want to attract the prospective employer's attention. You can tell the complete "story" once you are interviewing.
A couple of structural tips: 1) shortly state how you found out about the specific opportunity 2) specifically define what exactly attracted you to the field (if you are transitioning from another industry), the company and the particualr position 3) identify your skill set and communicate how those skills will benefit the business of the prospective employer. Make sure you offer real life examples to support your claims. 4) lastly, describe how the role will contribute to your overall career inspirations and goals
I have noticed that you used a lot of abbriviations, try to avoid those. In addition, I prefer to write-out quantitative information for the non-for-profit organizations, and use numbers in a for-profit business.
I believe that your cover letter is well written but needs to be slightly "manicured". Send me the updated version and we can start working on the interviewing skills. Forward me your resume if you want me to review.
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ReplyDeleteBelow is a rough draft of a cover letter that I am considering sending to a potential employer. I'd greatly appreciate if you could respond with some comments outlining strengths and weaknesses of the letter.
ReplyDeleteThank you,
Dear Ms. T,
I am writing to you at the recommendation of my friend Chris Smith who had worked at your organization in the past year. Chris has recommended that I contact you regarding my interest in transitioning away from the private business sector and joining a prominent public service organization. I am currently holding a loan analyst position at a commercial lending firm in downtown Boston. However, over the course of my employment in commercial lending business, I have become determined to find an opportunity that will not just keep me busy from 9 am to 5 pm, five days a week, but will also gratify me with energetic and challenging environment and genuine emotional fulfillment. After speaking with Chris and further researching Managed Sciences for Health, I became very interested in joining your organization. I believe that at MSH I will be able to find an opportunity that will respond to my interests, as well as my long-term career and educational goal.
In May of 2007, I graduated from XYZ University School of Management with the bachelor’s degree in Business Administration and the concentration in Finance. During the course of my academic work, I had an opportunity to work for a subsidiary of L*** Development Bank in Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan. My experience of working as a personal assistant to a deputy chairman at LDB has had a significant impact on discovering my interests and shaping my career goals. While working at LDB’s subsidiary in Kyrgyzstan, I had not only had an opportunity to apply my knowledge of academic coursework, but I could also experience an environment where good banking practices were at their nascent stage and the political and economic environment was unstable and largely unpredictable. While a sizeable portion of my responsibilities included preparation of financial statements and quarterly reports for shareholders, the most inspiring part of my internship was observing and participating in building of an advanced pro-Western banking system within the limits of backward and unsupportive political system, skeptical and indigent society as well as widespread discrimination and nepotism. My experience of working at LDB has clearly shown to me that (1) I am inspired by challenging and distinctive projects and assignments; (2) I am deeply driven by the idea of positive, visible and measureable change that extends into society at large; (3) I have good understanding of the challenges faced by the developing world; and (4) I am deeply passionate about applying my skills, knowledge, and aptitude for the improvement of living standards in the developing countries.
Even though my previous educational and working experience lies mostly in the sphere of banking business, I would like to continue building my career in the fields of public health and educational systems improvement in the developing world. My current career goals include gaining substantial experience in policy making, development and implementation of management systems in resource-limited countries, as well as obtaining hands-on experience on personnel training. I strongly believe that my background and my determination to pursue a career in public service sector will make me a good member of your organization. I would very much welcome an opportunity to personally discuss with you full-time, part-time or internship opportunities that might be currently available at your organization. Please feel free to call me at 617-555-5555 or e-mail me at sjohnes@anymail.com.
Thank you very much in advance for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
S. Johnes
Dear Rita,
ReplyDeleteGive me a couple of days to work on your cover letter to be able to provide a detailed diagnostic.
Generally you would like to keep any written communication with the prospective employers as consise as possible. Most of the employers nowdays receive a siginificantly higher number of resumes that they cannot address. The most to the point you correspondence is the better.
ReplyDeleteRegarding your cover letter.
In my opinion is too long. I understand that it is still within one page, but you want to make sure that you include only the items you want to attract the prospective employer's attention. You can tell the complete "story" once you are interviewing.
A couple of structural tips:
1) shortly state how you found out about the specific opportunity
2) specifically define what exactly attracted you to the field (if you are transitioning from another industry), the company and the particualr position
3) identify your skill set and communicate how those skills will benefit the business of the prospective employer. Make sure you offer real life examples to support your claims.
4) lastly, describe how the role will contribute to your overall career inspirations and goals
I have noticed that you used a lot of abbriviations, try to avoid those. In addition, I prefer to write-out quantitative information for the non-for-profit organizations, and use numbers in a for-profit business.
I believe that your cover letter is well written but needs to be slightly "manicured". Send me the updated version and we can start working on the interviewing skills. Forward me your resume if you want me to review.
Good luck!